This morning I felt overwhelmed and tired. I just finished my second week at my new job; the new job that was to free up more time for me to walk out my passions. Yet, I am not any farther along pursuing my dreams than I was before. My schedule does not seem my own and I feel as if I am being pulled in 8 different directions at the same time.
Not only did I have the household chores (thoroughly clean) that have fallen at the wayside over the past 6 months, I have several writing projects started that I want to finish up. But the most important thing that I am most frustrated about is not having my uninterrupted time with my Lord. This is what I miss most about my day.
My devotional time isn’t as simple as reading a few scriptures, or a page from a devotional. No, for me it involves me engaging my heart and mind, I am a deep thinker so I might sit for 10-15 minutes think of what I just read. I ask questions then try to find the answers to those questions, which might require me to ‘be still’ and wait on God. Then again, it could be me listening to an online teaching which leads me to searching scripture, or inspire me to write, or pray, or just rest in HIM and all of that takes time.
I know I have the same amount of time in the day as everyone else, so maybe I need to budget my time a little better than I have. I know that I sometimes get overwhelmed of ‘where to start’ and and then make excuses of why I cannot get my things done. Yet, to be honest, there is the fear factor; fear of failure in all that I try to do, or want to do. Maybe this is what it all boils down to, my fear. I know that my striving is not God’s design for me, and that I should be resting in Him. Remembering (Philippians 1:6) that God will finish what HE has started in me, but I have accountability too, right? Maybe, just maybe, this is the stopper for me, my fear. I want freedom in this area of ‘fear of failure’ but I am not wanting to make this a long process. I decided to applied some tools that I am learning to use from the teachings I have been receiving at church. And to my surprise it was quick; let me briefly explain.
I imagine myself curl up in my papa’s lap (heavenly Father) where I am allowed to cry. I didn’t have to have a reason to cry with HIM. Without having to explain the reason I was crying, the tears came flowing down my face. I then sensed all of heaven tending to me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Again learning about how to use certain tools to find the ‘root’ of my fear I asked myself some questions. All of the sudden I saw myself as a young girl being told that I cannot do anything right, and being compared to others in our family we (my siblings and I) were considered failures. Even though I know that it is not true in my adult reasoning, the child inside of me still felt the pain in that. I spoke (audibly) that I forgive those individuals that were in that memory for telling me that I do things wrong, that I wouldn’t amount to much, and that I was a failure.
I then asked the Lord to forgive me for believing that lie and renounce that belief. I then imagine what that lie was to me, what did it look like, the lie was a burden on me, a heavy weight, like chains. Heavy chains I struggled to carry as I tried to do new things, or the things I desired to do. So I asked my papa in Heaven to exchange the heavy chains for something that HE wanted to give me. And as I imagine myself holding those chains in my hand, offering them up for the exchange I saw Lord God take them, and then He gave me a delicate fluffy fine feather. The feather represents lightweight, freedom and flow to me. A feather moves with the wind and flows delicately without effort. I felt freedom in that moment seeing this in my mind’s eye. I know that God does all things excellent, and as I trust Him and lean on Him for guidance I believe HE will anoint my efforts and I do not need to be fearful of failure.
Now I am released from that lie (Praise God) I am able to move forward.