Am I really knocking?

Waking one morning I had only one thing on my mind. And it wasn’t even something that I had been meditating. But the thought was spurred on by a vision I had when waking. In this vision, I was standing in front of a large door knocking. I didn’t recognize this door or even the surrounding landscape, but I was there alone. And then these words were dropped in my heart: “Keep Knocking.”

I love reading my bible, but lately, my heart purpose with my reading is it to understand who God is, and not so much who I am. I hope this makes sense to you. Before I begin, I usually pause and ask the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom in the scripture I am reading. I am not necessarily looking to learn more about ‘me’ [per se], but that is usually what I get.  It has been a journey for about ten years now discovering who God has called me to be and that I have received freedom and authority to walk out my life ‘from’ victory [because of Jesus]. And I am so thankful I live on this side of the work of the cross.

But here lately my heart is yearning to see Papa God in scriptures, and not so much myself. Again I hope I am making sense here. I don’t think of myself self-centered, and I trust that those who I am under [leadership at my home church] would gently correct me if they see something in me that isn’t rooted in Christ. I want to know more about HIM just because, no real reason other than to grow closer to Papa God.

This past summer I spent time with my mom. I didn’t have a relationship with her growing up, she worked full time, and with six kids in the house, there wasn’t much one on one time. One day as we drove up north to see family I asked her to share with me things about ‘her’ childhood. I was truly interested in learning more about her. As she began to talk, I could tell she felt loved. In the past, our conversation would revolve around me and what is going on in my life, or my brothers, or the most recent things going on for her and her husband. But this was different, and truthfully I never asked her to share her life with me before becoming ‘mom.’ It never crossed my mind to ask. And because I did ask her to share I feel closer to her, I understand her more. I think this is how Papa God feels when our heart is intent on knowing HIM.

With my goal being committed to knowing Father God more intimately, I seem to be more distracted. I won’t go into the long list of things that have pulled at my attention or schedule. Some of which seems to be ‘repeat’ of what I know. I find myself journeying around the ‘mountain’ again. But when I do have a moment or two I genuinely am knocking at the door.

I think of those times that I have knocked at a door ‘hoping’ no one would answer. I would knock gently at the door, and wait only a minute or two and then walk away. Thinking to myself ‘well, at least I can say I tried.’

Why would I knock at a door I don’t want to be opened? That answer would depend on the door. Who the person is on the other side and what would be expected of me when it is open.

With all these thoughts rolling around in my head, I then have to ask; am I doing this to you, Lord? With only having a sliver of a moment here and there, am I gently knocking, and after a quick moment of ‘waiting’ I leave? Am I walking away too soon? Even when I go into my prayer time, I wait quietly, but quickly. Am I allowing enough time?

I will keep knocking.

Luke 11:9-10 TPT

“So it is with your prayers. Ask, and you’ll receive. Seek, and you’ll discover. Knock on heaven’s door, and it will be one day open for you. Every persistent person will get what he asks for. Every persistent seeker will discover what he needs. And everyone who knocks persistently will one day find an open door.”

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