I am starting a new chapter in my life. As exciting as this is I was a little anxious, at first, about this new adventure. You see, I’ve been praying for years about this day- a day with no agenda. To have endless amount of time to dig deep into my scriptures and to absorb new revelations of who God is, who I am in Christ, and what it means to walk with the Holy Spirit. To quiet myself in total silence and truly listen for His direction on how to pursue my heart desires. Time is now available to me. I will no longer have to stop studying to get around for work and pray all the way there that I will make it on time. I have to be honest here; I didn’t achieve punctuality all that often.
This new journey of mine includes helping my father in law achieve a healthier lifestyle. I also have inherited the responsibility of thoroughly cleaning a 5000 square foot house. This farm house has not been cleaned in that much detail for a long, long time, if ever, especially not since the inside has been gutted. And I might add, the house is ‘filled’ wall to wall with ‘stuff.’
Regardless of preparing healthy meals each day, assisting my father in law with the things he may need and the chore of cleaning this place up, I really have no agenda/schedule. Which it did not take me long to discovered that I have used my ‘schedule’ as an excuse not ‘step out’ of the boat, so to speak.
It was day four into this new life that I realized that I am still doing it, making excuses. You see, somewhere between turning the last page of the previous chapter to this new one, I have placed an outlandish demand on myself. I told myself that I couldn’t take time for my hearts desires until this house is totally organized and cleaned; it shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks. This is a totally ridiculous thought, for an example it took me one full day to go through all the linens and determine what we didn’t need. However, like I said day four I found myself in tears on the kitchen floor asking myself; ‘will I ever get through this mess?’
Very frustrated and emotional, I dumped on my husband once he got home from work. To my surprise he only said; “I do not know why you are so upset. It isn’t like you have a schedule. No one is putting demands on you to get this place organized in some absurd time frame. You are doing all this to yourself. Can’t you just slow down?”
So I asked myself: Can I slow down? Why am I pushing? What is it that I am hiding from, behind the busyness? Answer; if I stay busy enough I can justify why I haven’t stepped out of the boat. I have had many words confirming a certain path laid out for me. It is even one of my hearts desires, but the fear of failure is keeping this goose from flying (Wild Goose Chase, by Mark Batterson).
So I need to re frame my understanding of what is truly expected from me and what I ‘believe’ is expected from me.
Until next time my friends, keep looking for your diamonds.