As I opened up my Bible Study this morning, I had to ask God to forgive me for not being committed to it as I first boldly said I would on that first day. Broken and lost I asked Him to give me some insight of what I was reading and how it applied to my personal walk today. I must say God is so wonderfully good, and gentle with me. I am sincerely awed by his unconditional love for me. This is what God showed me.
The study is on Daniel and the Babylonian mentality. In today’s reading it talked about our words; our biting words and the motives behind those words. It did not take me long to recall words that were spoken this past week, maybe even the past several weeks. One might think that the words that were recalled were hurtful words towards me; however it is the words that I myself have spoken. I have been told by my family and even a friend that my words are short or that I am in a ‘mood.’ I was also told that when I am asked a question I respond in a somewhat rude tone. I began to ask myself; ‘Is this true? Have I become inconsiderate of how I interact with others? Am I impolite and tactless person?’ I was immediately convicted because I have become that person. Ugly.
So again, I asked God to give me some understanding. To show me what is causing me to react in this manner. Is it because I am too self-absorbed? Or is it that I am agitated, and if I am agitated, why? It only took a moment for God to reveal some things to me.
It is because I have accepted a lie that the enemy has fed me for some time now. The words that I heard over and over in my head is; ‘You are a fake.’ I was not really consciously aware that I have believed that lie. I just kept pushing those words aside instead of rebuking the devil and throwing out those words. With me just pushing those words to the side I have allowed it to become something I believed about myself. And I was reacting to those accusing words.
I have struggled with many things in my ‘faith’ walk, pushing through feelings of fear, and inadequacy in a lot of areas. Yet I still have feelings that I did not do my best, thus making me feel like a ‘fake.’
My book, that I felt God pushing me to publish, I am ashamed of it. So I feel as if I am a ‘Fake’ author.
My devotion time has suffered and my relationship with God is not as close as it has been in the past. This makes me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ Christian.
I feel as if I am not doing enough at work, thus making me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ good employee.
My family has needed me to be more compassionate and ‘there’ for them and I have not been there, again making me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ good mother/wife.
As much as I try to be a good friend I feel as if I am not. I believe that I gain more in the relationship then I am able to give, not really knowing how to ‘give’ thus making me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ good friend.
I have gone back to school and as much as I try, I feel as if I am not doing my best, again ‘fake’ good student.
I am even trying to get my body in shape and exercise but I am not doing it as much as I would like so I feel as a ‘fake’ athlete (I am using that word very loosely). Again I have the feeling of failure in all these areas of my life.
Unknowingly I have put up a guard towards everyone around me, and have become ‘short’ with my words to those I love and value. Subconsciously I have been trying to prove myself to everyone around me, when deep down inside I really have been trying to prove to myself.
So what does this mean to me? I have to understand that I am not perfect, and maybe people are not expecting perfection from me. And as much as I give of myself into a relationship, project, and work –whatever it is that I am doing – I am trying to do things on my own. I will be spinning my wheels as if I am stuck in the mud if I do not begin to understand that it is through Christ that I can do all things. I also need to understand that the words of the enemy need to be dealt with right away not pushed aside mixing into the many thoughts that run through my mind.
And finally, I always need to remember if my thoughts lead to me the cross; it is probably something God is telling me. If my thoughts are leading me away from the cross it is the enemy.
So, I say with all my heart to all of those that I have been ‘snappy’ with, forgive me. I truly value each and every one of you in my life.