One of the many things the Lord taught me this past year is that I must be honest with my emotions. I tend to stuff any emotion that cannot be defined as “JOY.” Honestly, I don’t know when or how I had gotten the mindset that I can’t be anything but “up” all the time.

My adult children have even told me that it is hard talking with me about ‘how I am doing’ because they know that I will choose my words to be ‘positive,’ making it hard for them to decipher how I am really doing.

Whenever I felt down, I would get busy with my thoughts or doing things around the house, just stuffing the sadness. I have spiritualized this habit by telling the Lord: “I give it to you. And, It is all good.”

And I have done this for years.

It wasn’t until last year that I learned I hadn’t given him anything. All I handed him were empty phrases. All the while, I was stuffing the heaviness I felt inside instead of looking for truth in my darkness.

And this process has been a trap that the enemy has used on me for years!!

It is hard to admit that my emotions have been heavy and down. I try watching programs or conferences on our smart TV, but even that has become challenging with my impaired vision.

Sitting about three feet in front of the screen, I can see the points the speaker is teaching. But I have to move up closer so I can see to take notes. After several hours, my vision is so blurry that I have to close my eyes.

Being outside last summer was very therapeutic for me as I went through chemo treatments. Either walking or biking, my soul was revitalized as the sun shined on my face.

It’s cloudy and cold, but I layered up and walked yesterday. I had to leave the house, which helped even though it was cold.

Today, I found myself struggling again as I went about doing chores. My vision was blurry, and I even started to get a headache. But I kept pushing myself to do something while telling myself to quit feeling sorry for myself; my eyesight would improve.

I then layered myself in my winter clothing and went outside for a walk. Everything looked blurry and gray, with the snow blowing and the clouds hiding the sun. Not seeing more than half a block ahead, I kept walking. I told myself at least I could see one step ahead; that’s all I needed. Even though it was my neighborhood, I felt alone and out of my environment.

I know this doesn’t make sense, but my clouded vision has made me feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Walking along, I started to share with God how I was feeling, and with each step I took in the snow-covered sidewalks, I walked farther and farther away from the house. Realizing that my coat was becoming wet from the snow and the cold on my face, I thought I’d better turn around and head back.

Walking back, I noticed my steps, and even though I knew my way home, seeing my steps in the snow comforted me. I knew I wasn’t alone, but I felt alone.

Upon returning to the house, I noted that I could see more clearly and thought I would write in my journal. But I was drawn to my guitar in the corner of my office. I picked it up and started to play. I don’t know how to play, but I just put my fingers on my left hand on a few strings and strummed with my right. With my eyes closed, I kept strumming, and with the strings’ vibration, I found a nice rhythm and sang a song to the Lord.

While singing, I could see myself walking alone in a desert. I could see the many steps I had taken, but then the wind blew over them, and they were no more. How would I find my way back? I thought, but I kept walking.

And that’s when I heard, Georgia, I am not leading into the wilderness so you can find your way back where you were. I am leading you through to the other side of the wilderness to something new.

Even though I was alone in this visual I had, I knew the Lord was with me. And walking down the lonely, cold, snow-covered sidewalk, HE was with me then.

I thought about when Jesus was led into the wilderness.

Didn’t he ‘return’ from where he left, the Jordan River? I don’t know why I had always imagined Jesus leaving the banks of the river to wander out in the wilderness only to return. But maybe he didn’t; maybe he ended up somewhere new. He did start his ministry in Galilee

At first, seeing my footprints covered by the wind in the visual made me feel vulnerable and lost. But now, after hearing that HE was leading me through this dry place to something new, I feel at peace. Like, I am going to be okay.

I don’t know where God is leading me, but I believe this journey is to equip me for something on the other side.

If you experience a wilderness-type journey, I am writing to encourage you. We may not see this new place and maybe even feel vulnerable, but we can walk with peace (The Prince of Peace). And we must remember, we are not forgotten, we are not unseen, and though it doesn’t look like it, GOD is leading us to something new.  

And now my vision is blurred once again.