I was the most unstable person when it came to my emotions. One would never know what kind of mood I would be in from hour to hour. A lot of it came from the self-talk that I had with myself. Endless negative words played over and over in my head to the point that I believed that was what others thought of me. Then, if anything negative happened in my life (car breaking down, clothes drier dying, unfair treatment at work/home) I felt as if I was being punished for being such a ‘bad’ person. Praise God I have been delivered from the lies and the endless torment. Now, I am not saying that I never experience unstable emotions and react ugly. However I can say it doesn’t happen that often.
Now, when a defeating thought comes sliding in my subconscious, like a ball player trying to steal third base, I ask myself. Is that thought leading me to the cross? Does it make me feel accepted by my father in heaven? Or, does it lead me away from the cross; not worthy of His infinite love, mercy, and favor. This thing that is happening ‘car breaking down’ is it because I have lost favor in God’s eyes? I stand firm in my thoughts and say NO! I am still accepted, loved and have favor in my Father’s eyes.
Last week I had made plans to run with a friend. I was driving home from work to change and was going to meet her at the park. All the sudden I heard a noise come from, where I thought the bottom of the car. At first I thought it was the muffler but the car wasn’t any louder than before. I wasn’t sure what had just happened however as I was cresting the overpass I realized that I had lost power. I pressed on the gas but nothing was happening. My thoughts raced and this was my self-talk;
‘Ah, of course this is going to happen to me tonight, it is a nice evening for a run. I just finished my first 5k and I want to keep moving ahead on my endurance for the next race and this is what I get. How am I going to get from A to B with my car down? Great I have to call Bob and tell him I am broke down.’
I could honestly say I felt myself get all cranky, but I told myself NO I am not going to believe that God is against me, the car is old, the engine light has been on for a while now, and things just happen. In fact if we would have yielded to the ‘engine light’ we might not be in this situation now. I regained my ‘stability’ before calling my husband. I was able to tell him what had happened without anxiety in my voice, I just gave him the facts and he said he would be on his way to help me. Things would have turned out so differently if I yelled at him all the negative thoughts that I had going on in my head. He would have been on the defense and we would have been throwing ugly words at each other.
I would like to say that the car is now fixed and I have my own set of wheels but I cannot. In fact, my mornings are cut short. I usually have a few hours to journal, work on a bible study, read scripture, or pray, and just spend some time with God. Now in the mornings I have to rush around so that I can leave with my husband-ride with him to his work- then drive myself to mine (getting there ½ early). Each morning can feel my emotions start to get a little ‘shaky’ and trust me I have to fight off the negative thoughts.
How do I do this you ask? Well, I think of how thankful I am that it is me broke down and not my daughter Ashley who lives/works in the Detroit area. Side note; we sold our 2008 car to Ashley so that she could have reliable, safe, transportation and I now drive her old car. I also think how blessed I am that I can pray with my husband in person, rather than us praying on the phone. We are able to talk about our day instead of us grumbling a few words to each other as we push to do our chores once we are home – make dinner, mow the lawn etc. My husband even thinks that God is training me so that I can budget my time better in the morning so that I am not rushing off to work because I didn’t want to stop my ‘quiet’ time.
Either way, to keep my emotional stability I need to remind myself that God is not against me. Period! I am holding tight to this scripture…
Romans 8:31 NIV
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Better yet I like what the message says;
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way!