Today, as I was thinking out loud, I verbalized something I didn’t realize. I admitted something I didn’t even know was true. I said: I’m uncomfortable being around the new people in my life. I subconsciously want to avoid these people, and I put up my walls when I am around them.

There I go again: observational lifestyle. I unplug, stop being my true self, and start pretending to be the person I think people want me to be. Thus, it leaves me feeling that I’m outside of the situation looking in.

As I write this out, I find this very odd. I’m learning myself. As unusual as this may seem, but it’s true.

People have come to their conclusions about who I am. I suppose the question is, do I honestly know who I am?

When I’m around some people, I feel intimidated. But isn’t that a form of judgment in itself? I’m judging the person that they don’t see me for me. But maybe in all reality, it is I who doesn’t see who I am.

I am a work in progress. I don’t know everything. In fact, I don’t know much at all.  Whenever I do a task outside my norms (any physical labor), I ask God to help me and do it the best I can, and often I finish with a sense that I did it wrong.

But why? If I ask God, isn’t he faithful to supply? Again, does this boil down to my self-image?

So why can’t I be myself? Why do I feel I need to hide? I suppose somewhere. I believe. I’m wrong, or that I am a fraud. People wouldn’t understand how I see things. I’m afraid I will be told I’m mistaken for believing as I do. All of this thought process limits me.

However, it is my own mindset that limits how accepted I am around others.

Sure, there are times I speak with boldness or pray with unwavering doubt. But that isn’t me; it is Holy Spirit enabling me to do so.

BUT what if that is the real me (Holy Spirit-filled)? The other way I approach others, not being myself, is the inferior me, the old Georgia with the shame that formed my childhood.

Satan wants to keep shaming me. Keep me from identifying with Christ. It is HIS (Christ) righteousness that I am redeemed. I know this, but do I truly know it?

God created me, and his desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore! I must anchor my thoughts on HIS Word when I emotionally start going into hiding, not being myself.

Honestly, if I am a citizen of heaven here on earth, my purpose is to stand the powers of darkness in this world. I can only do this when I am applying God’s Word.  

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 Geneva Bible

Nevertheless, though we walk in the flesh, yet we do not war after the flesh. (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God, to cast down holds.) Casting down the imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ,

If I could see those moments of insecurity and struggle in my soul in the spiritual realm, I would see a dark cloud covering me. I would recognize that the accuser, the liar, is speaking to me.  

I climb above the limitations of this world and find myself seated in heavenly places.  I’m a citizen of heaven here on earth, clinging tightly to my life-giver, Christ Jesus. Philippines 3:20 MEV

I’m 59 years old and still learning to be me.

I have been silent about what happened on July 13^th in Pennsylvania. But today, I feel I need to share.

Like probably most people, I experienced fear. Fear that the man who could bring this nation back on its feet again was in the crosshairs of a disturbed individual. That in itself also made me question the stability of our society.

I was angry as well. Angry that because of this attack, some of us might begin to allow fear to manipulate our decisions in gathering, keeping us from community with one another.

Typically, I push aside these feelings like this (fear and anger) and say I’m fine. But as I learned last year, suppressing feelings still affects our thoughts and physical bodies.  

It is like when we quickly clean up the kitchen counter and shove things in the junk drawer. Out of sight, out of mind. But once the drawer is too full of junk, it can’t function as designed (open or shut). Only when we cannot use the drawer do we decide to go through everything inside, only to realize most things could have been tossed away in the first place.

Processing emotions has been a new thing for me to learn to do. As I said, I typically don’t acknowledge negative emotions, such as fear and anger. Like the junk on the kitchen counter, it might be out of sight, but it is building up inside, and soon, I won’t be able to function as designed.

So, how does one process something that most of their life they have denied experiencing?

I won’t go into all the steps, though I will say I had to get honest with myself and honestly answer “why” I was feeling the things I was.  

Yes, anyone looking to move past what they have always done takes conscious purpose.

Talking with everyone and anyone about the tragedy does not help us identify how it affects us personally. We must speak with the Lord and ask HIM to show us what we might unconsciously believe, which usually limits us.

As I walked through this conversation with the Lord, He showed me that my prayers are not as powerful as they could be by allowing fear and anger to go unchecked.

I was then reminded of when my husband had to go to the emergency room back in 2020. I was stopped in the foyer of the hospital and was not allowed to go in with him.

The enemy pulled on my emotional strings like a puppeteer manipulating a puppet. I could not think sensibly, and the truths (God’s Word) I knew were tossed aside, and my thoughts went to the worst-case scenarios. I couldn’t pray for him because of the awful things I was imagining.  

In this case, it was no different. I can’t pray effectively or even hear the Lord on how to pray when I am playing out worst-case scenarios. Or, dare I say when I am ‘judging’ people or the situation with my limited knowledge.  

I suppose I type this all out to say let’s stop being a parrot repeating the tragic event. And quiet ourselves to ask God how this affects us. What do we believe about our future? Is what we think contrary to the Bible? And lastly, How am I to pray to the Lord? And pray from a place of FAITH that God hears our prayers.

For the next several posts, I will write about the things I ponder as I read a book called Culture of Honor by Danny Silk. Though I write about what I have gleaned, it does not necessarily mean I have adapted concepts fully into my life, but it is my goal. 

In the first chapter, I noticed the freedom of judgment with the confrontational senior described, which allowed the individual called to the “principal office” to think about the words he would say. Asking the right questions in the right tone is one of the keys to creating a safe place to talk.

Because of the redeeming blood of Jesus, we are called righteous. That isn’t because we have done things right; it is only because of Jesus.

When we get that into our mindset, we can converse more easily, knowing that we are loved, valued, and accepted no matter who is talking with us.

Honestly, how often do we talk to one another and think about the “right” thing to say to be valued or accepted?

Or, what about those moments of silence that make the conversation uncomfortable? I have often spoken for the person in those silent moments rather than giving them the respect to find the words to respond. When I did this, it interrupted the other person’s thought process. That kind of behavior only builds walls. Trust me, I know.

We need time to have conversations, especially those types of ‘talks’ when we need to clear the air. Sadly, most people are so busy that even texting a few lines is rushed.

We need to learn to speak in the right tone, and what about facial expressions? Oh, my goodness, I am horrible about that. I am going to be 59 years old, and just now thinking about my facial expressions and tone.

But even these things in my mind will make my conversation unnatural.

I asked the Lord what I needed to do to create a safe place for conversations. This is what I had gotten.

• Stop being afraid to talk. Hebrews 13:6 (ESV) The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?  
• Ask questions to understand. James 4:1-3 (ESV) What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 
• Quit asking with your assumed answer in your head. Proverbs 18:2 (ESV) A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.  
• Even if you disagree you can have respect; everyone will be accountable to me (GOD) they are not accountable to you.

This last one reminds me of an attitude I had with another person. I was not showing respect because I was judging their behavior. At that moment, I asked the Lord, how can you keep up with this kind of outburst? The Lord said: Georgia, you are looking at this one moment in this person’s journey, and I can see the full journey and I am in it.

Wow, if God was in the moment, I must be standing outside the scenario with the accuser. After that, I didn’t have much to say except to ask for forgiveness for partnering with the accuser.

I understand that talking in our society is challenging anymore. But then again, isn’t that the plan of the enemy? To kill, steal, and destroy (Jn 10:10) everything, especially relationships.

My objective is to remember the things I read and wrote when in conversations, creating a safe place with the goal of understanding.   

I sit here and imagine what it was like for the disciples when Jesus died. His body lay lifeless as they took his body off the cross. Their leader, the teacher, was dead. I can only assume they experienced significant loss, heartache, uncertainty, fear, and questions about what’s next. 

The disciples didn’t understand Jesus as the Messiah as we know Him. They thought that Jesus was going to be the leader to overthrow the oppression that was on the people. They spent three years following him. That’s over twenty-six thousand hours. And now their leader was gone.

Did they understand what happened the time between the grave and the empty tomb? Do we understand? I am ashamed to say that I briefly thought of it until today. Yes, we know that Jesus died for us, but do we really understand this? HE died. I know Him as part of the Trinity, so to get my head around the fact that he died (he was man) takes some deliberate contemplating.  

Hebrews 2:17,18

For this reason he had to be made like them, fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God and that he might make atonement for the sings of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

If we never understand that Jesus died, we will never know how we can live. There is so much ‘back story’ to cover. But to stay on the subject of what happened from the burial to the resurrection, we will not be covering it today.

Have you ever thought about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane? I admit there are times when I read scripture with the mindset that Jesus was God. But if I do this, I am not getting the understanding that I need to fully appreciate what Jesus did for me and you.

HE GAVE HIS LIFE.

Jesus walked as a man, ministering and keeping the Covenant of God. He did what God said to do and honored God every moment of his life.

Jesus had to be a man born who could stand the test; the first man (Adam) failed. Death was never a part of the original plan of God for man. Death only became a part of the human experience after Adam fell into sin. Romans 5:12 When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned.

Man was the key to the fall, and Jesus was the key to the redemption. He was not an immortal Man. Jesus was pure, clean, absolute – the heart of God Himself walking inside an eternal body. If Jesus were not immortal, he wouldn’t have died. Immortality means “not subject to death.” Jesus became immortal at the resurrection.

Listen, Jesus was separated from God when he hung on the cross with our sins upon Him. Matthew 27:46 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? He experienced this separation so that we do not have to.

Jesus, once he died, deliberately went to the heart of the earth, Sheol, to legally get back what Adam forfeited.

Matthew 12:39,40

no sign will be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah, because just as Jonah was in the stomach of the sea creature for three days and three nights, so the Son of Man will be in the heart of the earth for three days and three nights.

His spirit descended into Sheol, the place of departed spirits. On the day of His death upon the cross, He went first to the place of the spirits of the righteous, called “Paradise” or “Abraham’s bosom.” Since the scripture indicates this at the death of Christ on the cross when he spoke to one of two thieves, it seems natural to suppose that Christ was in Paradise to welcome the departed spirit of the repenting thief who followed Him there.

From Paradise, Christ then went further down into that area of Sheol reserved for the spirits of the wicked. It would appear that His descent into this place of torment was necessary for Him to complete the work of atonement for man’s sin, since He had to endure in full not merely the physical but also the spiritual consequences of sin.

Then, at God’s chosen moment, when the complete penance had been accomplished, the spirit of Christ ascended again from the realm of Sheol to this present earthly world. At the same time, His body, lying lifeless in the tomb, was raised from death, and spirit and body were reunited and seen (Luke 24).

When we place our faith in Jesus, He takes our “law-breaking record” on Himself and places His perfect, sinless record on our account, making us righteous before God.

This Resurrection Sunday, I have a deeper appreciation of the ‘death’ and resurrection of Jesus. Let us worship our Redeemer! The Resurrected King of Kings and Lord of All.