Subconsciously Hiding

Today, as I was thinking out loud, I verbalized something I didn’t realize. I admitted something I didn’t even know was true. I said: I’m uncomfortable being around the new people in my life. I subconsciously want to avoid these people, and I put up my walls when I am around them.

There I go again: observational lifestyle. I unplug, stop being my true self, and start pretending to be the person I think people want me to be. Thus, it leaves me feeling that I’m outside of the situation looking in.

As I write this out, I find this very odd. I’m learning myself. As unusual as this may seem, but it’s true.

People have come to their conclusions about who I am. I suppose the question is, do I honestly know who I am?

When I’m around some people, I feel intimidated. But isn’t that a form of judgment in itself? I’m judging the person that they don’t see me for me. But maybe in all reality, it is I who doesn’t see who I am.

I am a work in progress. I don’t know everything. In fact, I don’t know much at all.  Whenever I do a task outside my norms (any physical labor), I ask God to help me and do it the best I can, and often I finish with a sense that I did it wrong.

But why? If I ask God, isn’t he faithful to supply? Again, does this boil down to my self-image?

So why can’t I be myself? Why do I feel I need to hide? I suppose somewhere. I believe. I’m wrong, or that I am a fraud. People wouldn’t understand how I see things. I’m afraid I will be told I’m mistaken for believing as I do. All of this thought process limits me.

However, it is my own mindset that limits how accepted I am around others.

Sure, there are times I speak with boldness or pray with unwavering doubt. But that isn’t me; it is Holy Spirit enabling me to do so.

BUT what if that is the real me (Holy Spirit-filled)? The other way I approach others, not being myself, is the inferior me, the old Georgia with the shame that formed my childhood.

Satan wants to keep shaming me. Keep me from identifying with Christ. It is HIS (Christ) righteousness that I am redeemed. I know this, but do I truly know it?

God created me, and his desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore! I must anchor my thoughts on HIS Word when I emotionally start going into hiding, not being myself.

Honestly, if I am a citizen of heaven here on earth, my purpose is to stand the powers of darkness in this world. I can only do this when I am applying God’s Word.  

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 Geneva Bible

Nevertheless, though we walk in the flesh, yet we do not war after the flesh. (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God, to cast down holds.) Casting down the imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ,

If I could see those moments of insecurity and struggle in my soul in the spiritual realm, I would see a dark cloud covering me. I would recognize that the accuser, the liar, is speaking to me.  

I climb above the limitations of this world and find myself seated in heavenly places.  I’m a citizen of heaven here on earth, clinging tightly to my life-giver, Christ Jesus. Philippines 3:20 MEV

I’m 59 years old and still learning to be me.

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