I was awakened early this morning and after tossing and turning for about 30 minutes I decide to get up. Slowly I walked into the kitchen peeking at the clock as my eyes adjusted to the light. Ugh! Really am I reading this clock right, then I looked over to the microwave to see what it read. Yep it is 4:30. Okay Lord, I thought to myself, I guess you want to show or teach me something.
I opened my kitchen drawer where I store all sorts of teas, and pulled out one of my favorite flavors and made myself a cup. I gathered up my bible and journal and set it at my own personal ‘burning bush’- the end of the kitchen counter. I know it’s weird that I do my devotions here in the kitchen when I have a beautifully designed office that my sweet husband created for me. But this is where I seem to really connect with God. In my office I have books lining the shelves that I love to read and I find that I sometimes get too distracted in there.
However the only distraction I seemed to be having this morning was our dog ‘Wiley’. She gets so excited in the morning and jumps up and down wanting to run outside to see what kind of mischief she can get into. After letting her outside and waiting for her to do her morning thing we both came inside. She found her spot and lied down in front of the bedroom door and I found my spot at the end of the kitchen counter.
Slowly I began to reflect on my week. Reading what I have wrote in my journal the days before helped me to focus my thoughts. I was reminded of Friday night when my husband’s worship team – Out of the Dust – played at Teen Challenged. To see those men search the word of God with all their hearts blessed me. I truly felt the Holy Spirit there even before the worship team even began to play. And as I watched and studied these men I had to ask myself; what kind of life did they have as a child? Did they feel loved unconditionally? Were they taught that they have value? Did anyone plant seeds of encouragement in them that they were designed for specific things?
The worship started, and the brokenness of these grown men made my heart just ache. I instantly wanted to ‘mother’ on each one of them but knowing that they are going through a disciplined program I didn’t want to disrupt that order. So quietly I just prayed for them. The message was delivered by a young man that is devoted to God I could see favor on him. His message was SO powerful and at the end I realized my own desperate dependency I have for the Lord and His mercy. I found myself wanting to go to the alter confessing my own pride. However again not wanting to interrupt what God was doing in the hearts of men kneeling there up front I sat at my seat in the back and quietly confessed to my Lord.
It was truly a blessing to be there Friday night however I didn’t know ‘why’ I was up at such an early hour this morning. Searching out a few scriptures and just being still I wasn’t getting any real ‘word’ from God. I was disappointed in myself thinking that I haven’t quiet myself enough, or missed the widow of opportunity when I was first awakened and laid there tossing and turning. So I positioned myself in prayer and just prayed to God how I wanted to always be conscious of Him and my dependency for His mercy. Most mornings when I pray I would intercede for family members or friends – but this morning I just kneeled quietly. Not sure really what I was to do, or learn I was just quiet. And that is when I heard God say; ‘I just wanted you to spend time with me that’s all. I am not upset with you; I don’t have any demands for you. I just wanted you to sit with me.’ That is when it hit me, growing up my dad would get upset and wake us kids up in the early morning and lecture us on how ‘bad’ we were. We would sit there for hours until his anger was calmed down and we were allowed to go back to our beds. With this sort of programing I had a small feeling that I must have done something wrong that God would wake me up so early. I went into my time with God with a sense of guilt thinking that I did something wrong but I couldn’t sense that there was this big thing that I needed to give to Him. Don’t get me wrong, I daily fall short of the Glory of God however once I realize the sin I quickly confess it to Him.
Then I thought of how I would want Bob my husband to just be with me. Not really wanting to talk about anything in particular I just wanted to be together. It is comforting just enjoying his company. This is what God was wanting from me- just to enjoy his company.
So the next time I am awaken early I will remember this feeling I have had this morning of contentment and peace. Not the uneasiness and fear that I felt when I was child being awaken in the early morning hours.