How does one help another through difficult hardships without finding themselves in the so-called “valley” themselves?

In the past, I have often taken the responsibility to be other people’s Rock even when that isn’t what the person expects of me.

Of course, there’s no way that I have that capability to be. God is the Rock.

There is none holy as the Lord, for there is none besides You,

and there is no Rock like our God.

1 Samuel 2:2 MEV

I suppose this started when I was a child taking care of my brothers and trying to diffuse the heightened anger that my dad would often display. I would be the one to stand in the middle or to yell ‘stop’ when the situation became explosive, which manifested in physical abuse. I had to respond and couldn’t allow myself to ‘feel’ anything. I unplugged.

As a young adult, I would be so consumed with helping others that their situation became mine, especially when it came to my brothers. I couldn’t separate myself from what was going on with their lives from what was going on with mine. I did not see what this kind of dysfunction was doing to me physically.

Last year, I found myself in a valley when I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. I found comfort in the Word of God, my Rock, and anchored myself there. And it was my family and ‘tribe’ that was/is a support for me as I walked through.

Were they ‘all’ there as I went through the testing? No, I had my husband and sister-in-law with me.

Were they ‘all’ with me when I received treatment? No, but my husband was.

Were they there when I couldn’t eat or drink? No.     

Were they with me when I could barely get myself out of bed? No.

HOWEVER! Their prayers of faith were felt and carried me when I was too exhausted to make that mental connection to God’s word. Those prayers were priceless to me because I felt them. I didn’t expect anyone to take my place – to walk in my ‘valley.’   

So, how do we ‘bear’ one another’s burdens? Help those who are walking through a valley.

I speak for myself. First, I have to identify my own emotions, which is new for me. You will read about this in my book, which will be published in the fall of 2025. I also need to distinguish my feelings from my assumptions about how the other person feels. I cannot assume I know what they are feeling! I sympathize with them and let that person tell me how they are emotionally.

I cannot criticize how they process things, but trust that the LORD is helping them.

I must listen to hear, not listen to have an answer. Sometimes, we say things meant to comfort but only cause confusion about God’s love. I have done this often when I felt the need to ‘say’ something but only added salt to the wound.   

Then, I ask the Lord what HE wants me to do to help this individual. I cannot assume my will is His or even what the other person asks of me.

“Being there” can be displayed differently. Take it from me: don’t pack your suitcase and fly across several states to be in their space only to find that they need to process things alone.

Above all, pray that God will comfort and strengthen the individual. These prayers of faith are priceless when the individual is mentally or emotionally overwhelmed.     

Recently I celebrated my birthday. I again evaluated what living looks like. Last year, Being diagnosed with stage IV metastasized breast cancer raised a lot of questions inside my heart.

Questions like:
What have I accomplished in my lifetime?
Had I truly stepped out in those areas, I always thought I would have done so once I had time? What Does living look like?

With these questions swirling around my mind, I heard a word drop into my heart:

Living isn’t just crossing dates off a calendar and going from event to event or celebrating birthdays. Living is doing what you enjoy and doing and asking me (God) to join you. Do it for me, not the world.

Had I already forgotten these words? I always thought I needed to plug into a ministry of some kind for most of my adult life. And that mindset to ‘do’ ministry only causes me more internal demands. It is not that the “ministries” in themselves demand something from me; I place demands on myself.

That belief only made me scattered and frantic, trying to make a difference. This only caused me to be insecure with myself, and it became very evident to my husband and those around me.

Suppose three people speak into your life on the same day, each saying your value isn’t in performance. Then, maybe one should step back and reevaluate everything they are involved in.

This happened to me just this week. Even though the Lord dropped it in my heart last year, living isn’t striving; it’s being. Why is it so hard for me to learn this? Sure, we will one day give an account of what we did, good or bad. However, because the blood of Jesus redeems me, I’m unpunishable. What’s that I said? We are unpunishable.

This is a crazy mindset to get when we’ve been trained to follow the rules, and that emphasizes rules rather than relationships.

Again, I’m living with rules, to-do lists, and performance. When will we break this off of ourselves, or shall I say, when will I break free from this mindset?

Living my life. Who knows how many days we have here on earth? God knows, but I don’t. Last year, I started to declare that I will live out each day the Lord had written before the first day I breathed life.

Psalm 139:16 NIV – Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Today, I am incredibly blessed with four sets of cancer-free scans, I get checked every three months.

The crazy thing is, was when I was going through treatment, I permitted myself to enjoy every day. Once my scans were clear, my mind was set on, It’s time to get busy!

And busy I got. A close friend recently asked me what things I’m involved in. After
I shared what I was passionate about and trying to do, and she asked me if I was Joan of Arc. She was serious with her question. I thought it was absurd for her to ask me that, but after honestly thinking about all I had mentioned, I realized this was ridiculous. Who do I think I am? And even felt somewhat embarrassed.

How did I again get my mind so entangled with performance? I never thought I placed my value in my title or what I did for employment. But now that I am not employed as the world defines it, I do not receive a paycheck, I feel embarrassed when people ask: what do you do?

What do I do? I am an author, and I am writing my third book. It is about what I learned, still learning, as I walk through the diagnosis I received last year. Many people would interpret my stage IV cancer as a death sentence, but in a sense, it was a gift for me to step back and reevaluate my definition of ‘living’ compared to how the Lord sees it. Today, I am stepping back again to remind myself of this.

The Lord encourages me to cultivate my creativity; I paint with words and am learning to paint with watercolors. It was even dropped in my heart to design and sell greeting cards to help pay for my writing endeavors.

We can get involved in many things, such as honorable causes and standing for righteousness. My sweet neighbor lady encouraged me to pick two things I enjoy doing and set my mind on doing those things without distractions (do only tasks that align with those two things). After three months, ninety days, see where you end up. If those two things you have been doing fulfill you, keep moving forward; if it doesn’t, pick two other things.

So here I am, fifty-nine years old and learning to live. Bottom line, when I meet God in heaven, I want him to say; Well done, my Georgia girl, Well done.