As I saw my breath while exhaling the cool air, my eyes greeted the morning sun. It has been months since I have been able to step out the door on a Saturday morning to go for a wog [walk & jog = wog]. I decided before heading out that I was not going to put high expectations on myself, my only goal was to do 4 miles.
With my gloves on I fumbled with my phone as I walked down my driveway trying to turn on the apps that I use on such mornings. Right away I have this urge to turn myself around and go back inside my warm house. Though, I pushed myself past our mailbox; convincing myself that I was, in fact, going to do 4 miles today.
I started complaining in my thoughts; I am tired of being cold! I wish the sun would just shine every day like when I lived in Tennessee.
Realizing this isn’t the best way to start out my wog, I told myself; ‘you better focus on other things or you’re going to give up.’
Getting around the corner where the traffic isn’t so bad, I started to think about my mindset. This has got to change – when did I start having this bad attitude?
I could tell myself that I just had a hard week at work, or that my hormones are wacky. I could even blame it on my poor husband. But truthfully, if I wanted any kind of healing I had to be honest with myself.
Isn’t that funny to say; I must be honest with myself. But it is true, as a believer we tell ourselves; you shouldn’t think that way and push the thought aside. Though, just because we push it aside doesn’t mean that the thought is properly taken care of [read; Cleaning out the junk drawer].
Chuckling to myself as I ‘wogged’ down the street, I understood that I needed to clean out the junk drawer of my thoughts.
So what belief have I subconsciously partnered with that is making my old bad behaviors surface? This week I have dealt with bitterness and even a spirit of offense [I am just being honest with you].
A truck with two guys wanted to play ‘chicken’ with me as I made my way slowly down the otherwise open road. I am not going to lie… I hollered out; “Jerk.” So you see, I have a spirit of offense.
I then remembered a statement I made to my husband one morning this past week. I said; “I am disappointed in myself. I was hoping my book would have done better than it has. It is almost a year since it has been published but it isn’t getting ‘out there’ like I would have hoped.”
I didn’t say any more to keep myself from becoming emotional but doing so I wasn’t being honest with myself.
Truthfully it is more than just the book. I have kept a journal of things that I have inspired to accomplish over the years. I have even had other people tell me they ‘see’ me doing the very things that I wrote about, without knowing, these individuals spoke directly to my heart desires.
I guess, in some way, I could say that I have achieved them. But not to the extent that I had seen in my dream. That’s when the wrong thinking pattern becomes the path to my ‘ugliness.’
Mentally pulling out my notes from class this week, I knew what area needed to be reviewed. I know because as I took notes I could feel a little tug at my heart – but I ignored it because truthfully I didn’t think that it wasn’t what I was experiencing.
The section was about healthy grieving, but I wasn’t grieving. Right? I mean when I think of grief, I think of a person who has lost a dear friend or family member. Though to my surprise when I looked up the word grief I found that a figurative description is: to suffer disappointment.
Well, there you go. I guess I did need to go over this section. I need to learn how to I maneuver through this new level of disappointment [so to speak] yet keeping a victorious mindset.
What do I even allow my heart to ponder while waiting for things to happen?
There is a part of me that says; hang up all those faith inspired ideas, they are just ideas and you’re not making any headway with it.
But then there is the other side of me that says; what is your definition of ‘headway?’ Are you taking steps forward in this area? Honestly, I can say yes, but I can do more. And just because I put myself out there a couple of times and nothing happens doesn’t necessarily mean I have failed, right?
Taking the advice that I learned in this weeks class I went to Papa God to become quiet and share my disappointments with Him. Because, as I have done; when you grieve on your own, you will come up with the wrong answers and theologies.
Noting that when we grieve before Him you offer your grief to God, but when you grieve at Him, you leave the same way you came. And to be truthful maybe I was doing this; complaining at him instead of offering up my disappointment.
Here are a few things we need to remember when we are processing disappointment.
- We must be honest with Him and pour our heart and soul out to Him. Giving Him the opportunity to relieve our heavy burden.
- When we grieve before God we much refuse to leave His presence before we have a change of heart. Lighter and not at the same place emotionally that we were. Matthew 11:28
- And once we encounter God we can leave with His grace.
Processing all of this as I ‘wogged’ down the road I could feel the heaviness on my shoulders get lighter. Seeing the gloomy cloud move out, I could see the atmosphere around me spotted with big drops of honey.
Ah, after offering my disappointments to Papa God, He gave me the feeling of great expectation.
Oh, this is so much better! Instead of carrying the feeling of failure, I allowed Him to make an exchange with me.
Stopping my phone apps as I got back to my drive, I whispered; I missed you Papa God, I love wogging with you.