As most of you that really know me, know that I have had this unsettling in my soul of ‘what’ it is that God has designed me specifically for. I kept seeing ‘big’ things! Don’t get me wrong this is good. It says in Ephesians 3:20 that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to bring him glory. God loves it when we pray big, and have big dreams.

However when a vision is so big you don’t even know how to begin to walk it out can become so overwhelming. I know it is an absolute fact that apart from the Lord God I can do nothing. So what keeps me from moving forward? The haunting question; where do I even begin? It can be so overwhelming. I get so many thoughts going in my mind that I stress myself out, seriously. Do I do this, or do I do that? And where do these ideas come from anyhow; God or the enemy that would love to destroy this soldier from her assigned work. So then I pray for wisdom. Meanwhile time keeps clicking from the present to the past. Life gets in the way and before I know it a year is GONE and I have done nothing to step into my God appointed destiny.

I had the honor of going to St. Louis to see my spiritual mother this past weekend. It was the Joyce Meyer Love Life Conference, celebrating 30 years of her ministry. It was three days of encouragement. Joyce reiterated the same things that God has been working with me for the past several months. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it was so emotional for me yet it was a ‘kick in the butt’ sort of speak for me to get moving. I have to stop wasting a precious commodity that neither I, nor the riches person on earth could ever buy back. TIME! I have been wasting time, with the fear of making the ‘wrong’ move.

Then in this morning service at Elkhart Calvary Assembly of God I got my deployment orders. It was so simple I had to keep my hand from slapping myself on the forehead. The congregation was asked one simple question; what risk is God calling you to do in the next 3 months. The answer didn’t take long to surface in my conscious. It has been sitting there for all this time. If all I have to do to walk out my God appointed destiny is to take three months at a time, this is doable. I don’t feel so overwhelmed. I am so thankful for this simple yet profound concept.

So how do you eat an Elephant? One bite at a time.

How do you walk out big dreams? Three months at a time.

‘Why do you walk around looking disappointed all the time?’ That was the question my husband asked me that totally took me off guard. I didn’t think I was walking around ‘looking’ disappointed. However me being the way I am, I started to analyze myself, really thinking of what I might be disappointed about.

As most of you know I have started a new job, it isn’t all that I thought it would be – yet I know beyond a shadow of doubt that God directed me there. So I don’t ‘think’ I am disappointed in my job. Things are just very different there, not as crazy busy as it was at my previous job. Working as patient services I had to constantly shake off the emotions that each person handed me so that I could assist the next patient. Some people were very friendly and courteous. Though there were also a few who were very anxious, cranky, or just plain mean (but they were in pain). It was a fast pace job, assisting many different aspects of a patients care. With that fast pace I had picked up some bad habits. I have some rough edges, if you will, that God is gently ‘sanding off.’ This is a good thing; with this new self-awareness I feel that I am becoming a better person. Yet I must say I miss interacting with the patients- I love people, and I don’t have as many cross my path as I did. So this might be one reason I ‘look’ disappointed.

I also have been involved in a ‘Live Out Loud’ (LOL) group that was formed at our church. There are many groups that you can choose from; the main point is to learn to do life together. The summer months are more activity driven, while the rest of the year is more of a study nature. All are great, and we really learn to be a part of each other’s lives. The group that I signed up for this summer is a running group. The leaders (husband & wife) are experienced in this new territory I have entered. They have done many 5-10k runs, marathons, and, I think, triathlons. This LOL group has been training for months to participate in a 5k run on September 29. I have been pushing myself with unrealistic expectations (to do my first 5k under 25 minutes). With this goal in mind, I have hurt myself to the point that I have had to slow my pace way down. Now I want to just get it done under 30 minutes, even if it is 29:59. So this might be another reason that I ‘look’ disappointed.

But I have realized that this distorted mentality might just be the root of all my disappointments. What distorted mentality you ask? The Wonder Woman mentality. I fill my schedule with too many things.  Or, I place the bar too high with irrational expectations for myself to achieve. This is something that I have done for years; making mental lists that are slightly off balanced, for a normal woman that is. For instance, one Saturday here recently, I got up made my coffee, and then went to pick up the front room. As I was folding the blanket that was used the night before to snuggle in, I started making my mental list; I had to reply to several emails, I wanted to get all my house work done, go grocery shopping, wash and wax the car, then go for a 20 mile bike ride (training). Yes, this all in one day.

Crazy don’t you think?

Well I got my house ‘somewhat’ cleaned. I washed my car, though didn’t wax it. I picked up a few groceries for a couple of days and my bike ride was only about 8 miles and I never got to those emails. At the end of my day I thought of it was wasted just because I did not accomplish ‘everything’ I had on my list. Of course ‘wonder woman’ made me feel like I wasted my day. I spent too much time with my husband, I enjoy a short conversation with my neighbor, and god forbid I relaxed for a moment and read a few pages of a book. With me putting unrealistic expectations on myself continually I have grown to be unappreciative of the things that I am able to achieve, thus giving me the ‘look’ of disappointment.

Well it’s been a few weeks since my husband had asked me that question. And I have learned to recognize when that ‘super-powered heroine’ was trying to step out of her comic book pages. When she does try to step out with her long ‘skinny’ legs I mentally slam the book shut. I have even learned to laugh at her irrational expectations. I rest assured that God still values me just the way I am. I then tell myself that I am doing the best that I can in all areas of my life.

As I was running this evening God really convicted my heart. The other day I was being one of those ‘mean girls’ that I’ve witnessed heartlessly rip the heart out of another with their words. I was pretty ashamed of myself as I thought about it.

Even though this person works hard at her job I told her she was incompetent. In the employee break room she struggled to carry on a conversation with some co-workers. Once everyone left I told her she wasn’t a likeable person and very awkward. In all reality she is really a very friendly person.

God asked me why I was so mean to His precious child, but I couldn’t answer him. I was crushed to realize that I grieved the Lord with the things that I thought and said.

In my brokenness I asked God to forgive me for saying such things and asked Him to help me to say nicer words to myself from now on.

Really, if we think about it…
Would we be friends with a person that speaks harshly to us (putting us down) the way we sometimes speak harshly to ourselves?

We all have ‘junk drawers’ in our homes, mine is in the kitchen. The other day I was digging in the drawer looking for tape. However I took me a while to find it because I had to shift through too much stuff. I thought to myself; ‘How in the world did these things find its way back into this drawer?’ You see, I had just cleaned that drawer out about 6 months ago. I found all kinds of crazy items. Tools that belong in the garage tool box. Different colored ribbon of all lengths pretty much tangled together into one knot. Keys of all sizes, that unlocks who knows what. Little army men and random small toys, mind you my children are young adults. Batteries that probably have been discarded because they had were no longer useable but we didn’t know how to ‘properly’ get rid of them them. There were hook, nails, screws, tacks and other dangerous things that can bite your hand as you dig through the dreaded drawer.

As I was wondering, how in the world this drawer got so full again, I realized something. Sometimes when I want to do a ‘quick’ pick up around the house, I will throw the random things into the drawer. Instead of properly taking care of these items I will just let it pile up to the point that the drawer is not even functional. Well this is a simple fix, just take care of these items the way I should in the first place. Right?

Unfortunately I do the same thing with the ‘junk’ inside of me, those negative thoughts that I say about myself. Over the past years God has freed me from this way of thinking. Yet, that old stinkin thinkin can find its way back inside my head. Then the junk gets piled up inside me and I cannot function as God intended. Again, this can be a simple fix, right? I just need to take care of the junk appropriately, and not just throw it into a junk drawer inside my soul somewhere.

This exercise will be something I have to ‘relearn.’ I must get rid of the junk as soon as it crosses my mind. Just because I may ‘push’ the thoughts aside does not necessarily mean it is properly taken care of. To do this I must identify what God says about me, or the situation. And usually if I take the time to do this, the junk doesn’t get piled up. Then I can move forward in the life God has intended for me to live, junk free.