I tried to stay busy with my Saturday morning chores to push out the negative thoughts that beat at my mind so hard it is like a loud bonging that distracts my concentration on anything good.

Finally after struggling I just broke down and cried to my Lord God and said: “This ache that I am experiencing hurts so bad, but I got to believe that once I get on the other side of this, Your glory Lord, will out shine any agony that I am suffering now.”

Then I got an email from a very special friend of mine, reminding me that just because I declare that I am a Christian I am not shouting that I am perfect, living a clean life, bold and full of confidence.
I am whispering that:
I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
I am weak and need His strength.
I am confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
And that I am a simple sinner who received God’s good grace.

Those words were a life line thrown to me in the mist of my storm of despair. Again I found myself at the cross, confessing my heart; “Why am I so unhappy Lord? What is this all about, why am I going through this struggle within me?”

God then reminded me of my passion, my heart desires. My vision has gotten cloudy because I have let the enemy tell me that I am inadequate, and it is true, I am inadequate but I have forgotten a few things:
Who created me with a purpose before I was even born, God.
Who said that He would lift me up on eagle’s wings, God.
Who said He would never leave me or forsake me, God.
Who said that He would be my strength in my times of my struggles, God.

I have made my thoughts stop running – to take a moment and look back on the people that have crossed my path the past 24 hours. Some of them have encouraged me and also some have confronted me. The enemy would love for me to run and hide because of shame and embarrassment. Or, to have me brush off the encouraging words as empty words spoken to just flatter me with no real meaning.

But as I stop and really reflect- God is placing these people in my path, it is not by coincidences. I have received true appreciation from several women yesterday, thanking me for my honesty in my writings that they have read on my website or in my book. Another woman told me that my prayer said on her behalf has encouraged her. And last, I was told by another person: “God has a hold of you!” He said it to me as a definite statement not to be mistaken.  God has a hold of me!

And to top all it off this morning God directed me to this verse:
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear Friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Can you believe this! I cried out this morning almost these exact words!

I am amazed of His love for me! I feel as if God is saying to me, Yes my daughter you have made some mistakes but keep your eyes on me, little one, and I will lead you to the place I want you.

I have said many times before to look for the diamonds in your day, that our heavenly Father is giving us little ones and big ones to encourage us. I have forgotten to look for mine but it is true, HE is handing these diamonds down to me from heaven, I just need to take them. God is so good, and His love is indescribable.

So today, I want to remind you as God has reminded me, look for the diamonds in your day! Write them down. And once you start to write them all down you will see that that God has not forsaken us, He is standing right there next you and me.

You know how I said that I would blog my thoughts as I march forward in this walk of faith of mine? “Some steps are sure footed and boldly marching forward! Some steps are timid and hesitant as if I am walking on thin ice. And at times my pace comes to a complete halt due to fatigue and discouragement.”

For the past (maybe) four months I have been in a fog of discouragement, really! Every time I get up and move forward, I get slammed down hard – not physically. It might be someone’s words to me -negative/harsh/or even judgmental, it might be a memory that becomes uncovered like a piece of beach glass that all the sudden appears on the sand after waves of water keep hitting that same spot over and over and over again. Or my discouragement can come from my awareness of the sin in my life.

Whatever the reason, I don’t understand how I can be so confident in encouraging another person but be so lost in my own grief. Does this make me a hypocrite? Do I believe and have faith for others but not myself? Am I self centered thinking that my problems are too big for God but your problems are manageable for Him? Do I need to be medicated? Just joking…

No, I really only know one way to climb out of this pit I keeping finding myself in. It is through worship; this is how I climbing out yet again. When I am singing I have to visualize my Lord loving on me. He reminds me that HE really does love me for the simple fact that I am His “Georgia girl.” He knows me better than I know myself. It is sometimes so hard for me to comprehend His dedication to me, and my prayer would be that I can be as dedicated to HIM.

I will get through this, because God is showing me things, it isn’t to hurt me; it is to heal me, to make me more complete in Him. I have ran in the past when He has tried to reveal things to me, but it doesn’t get me no where, just lost even more.

So if you find yourself in a pit of discouragement may I suggest worshiping God? Visualize His love flowing down from the heavens washing over you. And when He does slowly reveal things to you, maybe hurtful things of your past don’t run or push the thoughts back down. Let God do His thing- heal you. I am in the mist of it now myself, and as much as I want to run, I know I will be a better person (a person with peace) staying right where I am, in HIS arms.

Today I found HIM! And it feels so good to be back in my Fathers arms, and under His covering. I have gotten lost and traveled roads that were not meant for me to travel, rough and rocky. In the mist of my confusion it was hard to find my way back, with every turn (choice) that I made it lead me further and further away from HIM. I was trying to find that secure place, a place that will fill the void in my life but with each wrong turn I was feeling more and more defenseless. I was more vulnerable to the attacks from the enemy, calling me hypocrite, inadequate, and maybe even unworthy of Gods love and that I could never turn back.

But what was so wonderful about God is that HE is so willing to wait for us to turn back. After spending time to do some soul searching and some crying, crying can really be cleansing for your spirit, don’t ever keep that emotion buried, I was able to truly worship HIM.

There with my heart fully exposed, worshiping my Father, I found Him. It is like the dark clouds cleared and there HE was! Even though I was in a room filled with other people, I closed my eyes and felt HIS presence, it was so comforting, just me and Him… at the cross… and He lavished love on me; I mean I really felt HIS love just wash down on me – His lost one. He understood my hurt, my shame, and my repenting heart and just loved on me. It may have not been a long journey away from Him but I feel like it has taken a hard toll on me – like I’ve been away from home for months.

And what is so unnerving is that the Enemy had the audacity to ask me if I was sure that I wanted to stay there, in my Fathers arms. “Are you sure that you won’t find what your missing? If you just travel down the road a little further you may find that happiness.” What a piece of work!

God knows my hearts desires, and He knows what is best for me. I just need to trust that these things will come in His timing. He is looking down on my life and sees the whole thing; the beginning and the end and all that is in between. I can only see what is in front of me, how can I give in and give up when I have such limited prospective? I need to keep my eyes fixed on Him. I am always saying; “Visualize it! Use your God given imagination and SEE it.”

So that is what I do… I truly see myself pulling His face down- cupped in my very own hands, looking only in His eyes and at times I have to search hard into His eyes to keep the things of the world from flooding in. Sometimes it is hard to do, some times – not so much. But it is something that I must do everyday, maybe even hourly.

Don’t give up on God; He never gives up on us – Thank you Jesus!

It’s like I just told my brother, God knows us better then we know ourselves and He always wants to love on us – sinners that we are. He wants to have a relationship with us.

I was at grave site this past weekend and I looked at all the headstones lined up in a row. Some were stunning, a work of art, and yet some were just a simple marker. Does anyone think of these people? I mean- once the third and fourth generation is removed, is there anyone remembering these people?

We lose people in our lives all the time; it may not always be because of death. It could be that the person moves far away, and you lose contact with them, or circumstances won’t allow that person to be in your life any longer. Either way it is a loss, and it hurts.

Then I started to think about the people that have been in and out of my life. How they have impacted my life either for the better or the worse. We all leave a mark in each others life. It may only be brief moments that we have that person in our lives. Were I work I get to know people as they come in month after month as they recover from surgeries or some sort of an accident, then they heal and I see them no more. I have no clue how many lives I have come in contact with but the question is have I impacted them in a positive way? Have I left them in a better place then they were, or have I been a stumbling block – keeping them from their dreams?

I would hope that I have been a positive, a light in their lives. I never want to hurt anyone but I know that I have – it isn’t my goal, or my objective, it isn’t intentional, but I know because of my own selfishness I may have hurt them.

My prayer would be that I could be a positive in each life I touch, and that they would see that my hope comes from the Lord. I am not perfect by any means, but bottom line, I would hope people can see Christ Love through my words and actions.

About three weeks ago I decided that I wanted to have a small 50th birthday celebration for my husband. I knew it was somewhat last minute and that I would be crunched for time with us being out of town two weekends in a row before the party but went ahead with sending out invitations via email and facebook. I got several responses right away offering help, in which I was very grateful for.

I have never done this sort of thing before; I didn’t even really have very big birthday parties for my children as they grew up. It was always low key- cake, family and maybe a couple friends.  I did do one special thing when they were younger, I would always make them a character cake (Barbie/Batman etc).

Birthdays for me came and went as I grew up without bells and whistles, just a cake /ice cream my parents and brothers, so needless to say I am not very familiar with big celebrations. My children over the years were invited to many birthday parties for their cousins and friends and each one making me feel more and more inadequate in this area.

So throwing a surprise 50th birthday party for my husband was really stretching me but I didn’t want my insecurities to rob him of this big mark in his life. 50 is something to celebrate, especially when my husband tells me that he didn’t really think he would live to the age of 40.

I knew it would have been too hard for me to plan something here at the house so I reserved the use of our church for the evening before his actual birthday. I figured that I could get my husband to the church for a “worship team meeting” without a problem. The room reserved was big enough and it had tables, chairs already there, so no worries about renting those things. So far so good I thought.

Four days before party I sent out reminder emails to those that had offered to bring salads, pop, ice, fruit etc…
I was really getting excited that I might just pull this off. That Bob would be truly surprised.

Thursday night came, Bob, my husband, got the call about the “mandatory worship team meeting” at the church Friday night at 6:00 sharp. I really thought that he would be okay with it, because we don’t ever plan anything Friday night, but I was the one that got the surprise.

Bob was upset, maybe even a little angry, because he had planned on helping a fellow co-worker, Greg, put in his water heater.

This can’t be happening I thought to myself. My plans that I have been mentally putting together for the past 3 weeks started to crumble around me. I started thinking of a back up plan; I didn’t know what I was going to do. I ended up asking to use his cell phone – telling him that my battery was dead, and calling one of his other co-workers, Jim. I explained to him that I didn’t have a problem Bob helping Greg, but if he could explain to this guy it is very important that he finishes up early to be at the church at six, that I had planned a surprise 50th birthday party for him. Jim assured me that he would do his best. That was all I could do.

But I had to listen to my husband complain about this mandatory meeting all that Thursday evening. I kept thinking to myself, if he only knew this was for him! He is so defiant about this meeting, it isn’t like he is being asking to do anything, he just needs to show up, it is all for him. We – his friends, family, and I wanted to bless him. But here he is complaining about it. It almost makes a person want to say “Forget it!”

Then that’s when I heard it… In the mist of Bob’s complaining I heard God say…

“Do you know how many times I ask my people to do something, just show up – but all they do is complain of how inconvenient it is for them? All I want to do is bless them. It isn’t for me, it is really for them.”

Wow, God has placed different people on my heart the past few months, and not sure what I am to do with this list of people -I do nothing. Maybe God just wants me to take a moment to spend some time with them. And all I have been doing is complaining of how little of that resource (time) I have. It might just be that God doesn’t want me to do anything but to show up, lend an ear, listen, and maybe even pray with these people. Bottom line; be obedient and not defiant, and doing so God might just bless me in the process. So this week that is going to be on my agenda- to seek out those people and just show up then let God do HIS thing.

Oh by the way I did get Bob to the church Friday evening, after having a nervous break down at work. I called Jim to ask if he got to talk with this Greg guy. Jim had told me that Bob had an idea that something might be planned, that was the last draw, the tears just started. I was so disappointed that he knew, I cried. This was a lot of pressure for me, all self imposed pressure but just the same it was pressure.

Everyone was at their mark and when Bob walked through the doors and even I was taken back with the many voices charming together “SURPRISE!”

God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!