My snappy words

As I opened up my Bible Study this morning, I had to ask God to forgive me for not being committed to it as I first boldly said I would on that first day. Broken and lost I asked Him to give me some insight of what I was reading and how it applied to my personal walk today. I must say God is so wonderfully good, and gentle with me. I am sincerely awed by his unconditional love for me. This is what God showed me.

The study is on Daniel and the Babylonian mentality. In today’s reading it talked about our words; our biting words and the motives behind those words. It did not take me long to recall words that were spoken this past week, maybe even the past several weeks. One might think that the words that were recalled were hurtful words towards me; however it is the words that I myself have spoken. I have been told by my family and even a friend that my words are short or that I am in a ‘mood.’ I was also told that when I am asked a question I respond in a somewhat rude tone. I began to ask myself; ‘Is this true? Have I become inconsiderate of how I interact with others? Am I impolite and tactless person?’ I was immediately convicted because I have become that person. Ugly.

So again, I asked God to give me some understanding. To show me what is causing me to react in this manner. Is it because I am too self-absorbed? Or is it that I am agitated, and if I am agitated, why? It only took a moment for God to reveal some things to me.

It is because I have accepted a lie that the enemy has fed me for some time now. The words that I heard over and over in my head is; ‘You are a fake.’ I was not really consciously aware that I have believed that lie. I just kept pushing those words aside instead of rebuking the devil and throwing out those words. With me just pushing those words to the side I have allowed it to become something I believed about myself. And I was reacting to those accusing words.

I have struggled with many things in my ‘faith’ walk, pushing through feelings of fear, and inadequacy in a lot of areas.  Yet I still have feelings that I did not do my best, thus making me feel like a ‘fake.’

My book, that I felt God pushing me to publish, I am ashamed of it. So I feel as if I am a ‘Fake’ author.

My devotion time has suffered and my relationship with God is not as close as it has been in the past. This makes me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ Christian.

I feel as if I am not doing enough at work, thus making me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ good employee.

My family has needed me to be more compassionate and ‘there’ for them and I have not been there, again making me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ good mother/wife.

As much as I try to be a good friend I feel as if I am not. I believe that I gain more in the relationship then I am able to give, not really knowing how to ‘give’ thus making me feel as if I am a ‘fake’ good friend.
I have gone back to school and as much as I try, I feel as if I am not doing my best, again ‘fake’ good student.

I am even trying to get my body in shape and exercise but I am not doing it as much as I would like so I feel as a ‘fake’ athlete (I am using that word very loosely). Again I have the feeling of failure in all these areas of my life.

Unknowingly I have put up a guard towards everyone around me, and have become ‘short’ with my words to those I love and value. Subconsciously I have been trying to prove myself to everyone around me, when deep down inside I really have been trying to prove to myself.

So what does this mean to me? I have to understand that I am not perfect, and maybe people are not expecting perfection from me. And as much as I give of myself into a relationship, project, and work –whatever it is that I am doing – I am trying to do things on my own. I will be spinning my wheels as if I am stuck in the mud if I do not begin to understand that it is through Christ that I can do all things. I also need to understand that the words of the enemy need to be dealt with right away not pushed aside mixing into the many thoughts that run through my mind.

And finally, I always need to remember if my thoughts lead to me the cross; it is probably something God is telling me. If my thoughts are leading me away from the cross it is the enemy.

So, I say with all my heart to all of those that I have been ‘snappy’ with, forgive me. I truly value each and every one of you in my life.

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What Degree have you chosen and why Bethel College?

I had to answer these questions my first night of Adult Orientation class. Everyone in the room had very good answers. The non – traditional classes are appealing for those who have full time jobs. And most everyone was going after their Bachelor’s Degree because it would open up job opportunities and they would be able to provide for their families better, anticipating a higher paying scale. But when it came around to me to give my answer I felt my reasons weren’t good enough. I kept my answer very general; “I am studying Bible and Ministry.” Then I was asked if I was going for my Bachelor’s, and my answer to that was; “I have been out of school for over 28 years so I am doing little bites at a time, I am just going for my Associates Degree for now.”

The Professor then stated this static; “A Bachelor’s Degree, these days, is now the equivalent to a High School Diploma.”

Wow! Did I feel foolish about just stating that I am only going for my Associates Degree. I wanted to crawl under the computer that was sitting in front of me. I am sure that the Professor didn’t mean anything by making this statement but I felt very embarrassed and somewhat silly about even being enrolled as a student. This is a lot of debt that I am going to accrual which he had also pointed out several times.

As I left the classes I secretly wished that the office was open so that I could cancel my enrollment at Bethel, give back my student loan, drive home, and hide safely in my own little world.

Upon waking the next morning, after tossing all night long, with thoughts of failure because I want to quit school before I really even get started. I asked God to give me some encouragement to let me know that I am doing the right thing.

The only reason I want to go to school is not for some piece of paper. I want to go to school because I want to be confident in the things I believe so that I can be able to communicate my faith and minister to others better.

Why am I going to school? Should I go to school? Do I really want to go into this much debt? I drove into work with these thoughts rolling around in my head. And as I walked into work I asked God again; “Please give me words that I am doing the right thing and encourage me Lord.”

One of the first patients that I checked in had a medallion necklace on that said; ‘Trust your Journey.’ How wonderful Lord I thought, You want me to trust You in this journey. Thank You.

Then another patient came in, he was studying the Book of 2 Timothy. He told me that if a person knew the meaning of Greek and Hebrew words and understood the culture of the people in those times Gods word has so much more meaning. I told him that I would love to understand those things and how I was going to school for Bible and Ministry because I wanted to be sure of what I believe. He then told me to look up 2 Timothy 2:15 which I did at lunch.

It reads;
Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of Truth.

This so encouraged me! This is the reason why I am going to school, and I am okay with that reason. I felt as God was saying to me; ‘Yes Georgia, you are on the right path, you may not know all the reasons ‘why’ but I do.’

With that I was able to walk into my first official class with my head held high knowing that I am going to be okay. God is with me.

And you know what?! I love my Professor, she is so cute, and full of life, she explains things in terms that I can understand. Yes, this is going to be a long road, and at times it will be very challenging for me, but I am going to ‘Trust my Journey’. And I will become more confident of the things I believe so that God can use me the way that He has created me to be.

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I consider my life nothing to me…

You may have noticed, over the past several weeks, I have been really struggling with a feeling of unworthiness and a lack of direction for my life.  There are things I believe I should be doing.  However, guilt and condemnation hit my face like the chilled air on a frigid winter morning.  Sharp and bitter, the fear stings so deep that it is hard to breathe. I once again slam the door and hide thinking “Maybe tomorrow will be a nice day.” Regardless God is still encouraging me to step out.  Bitter cold air or nice sunny day; HE has designed me to go.

Listening to a sermon titled “30 Days” the Pastor asked what you would do if you only had 30 days to live.  Would you change your relationship with your spouse? Your children?  Maybe a family member? Or perhaps a friend or co-worker?  How about your relationship with God? As he asked each of these questions I found myself nodding yes to each of these. The fog of guilt and condemnation started to roll in again.  Along with  of the feeling of failure.  The Pastor then lead us to a scripture that helped put things back in perspective.

Acts 20:24

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.

I want to experience everything God has for my life.  I want to finish the work He has assigned for me.  I want to be a living testimony of His wonderful love.  I want people to see God’s forgiveness and grace through my life and restoration.  I don’t want to be ashamed of ‘who’ I am in Christ- my personality or the way I think.  God knows me, Georgia, faults and failures. He knows my heart and loves it as well.

You may be familiar with one of my life verses Ephesians 2:10.  I cherish and stand on this piece of scripture.   But today I am standing on the verses 8 and 9 too.

Ephesians 2:8-10

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I have several opportunities open to me for next week and I would like to ask you to lift me up in your prayers.  I am seeking boldness to step out and let God use me as His vessel. To be the testimony that He wants me to be.  Pray also for protection, that legions of angels would surround me, keeping the enemy’s words from destroying God’s plans.

Thank you and God Bless YOU!

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No more numbness

“I don’t want to do the things that I have done in the past to numb myself because I really need to feel this pain right now, to get on the other side of this and become the person that God wants me to be.”

These words rang so true within my own soul as my daughter was saying them to me. Yes I have pain, it is a pain that I have felt for years but been too afraid to acknowledge it, but I can’t deny the pain anymore. The numbing will only cause me to go in the opposite direction that God wants me to go, and prevent me to walk out those purposes that He has designed me to do.

I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to face these things that have caused me pain over the years, by opening the door of communication. I was ready to throw it all away – give up – even forfeit the things that HE has for me, because of this pain. But God is in the business of resurrecting, restoring, and reshaping lives. God has reminded me that I am His daughter and He is not going to let me go.

We all go through painful times in our lives and we each handle it in different ways.  Usually we find ways to numb out that pain but that doesn’t get us through it, it just puts another layer of scares on our heart. God does not want us to live this way – He gave us Life – John 10:10…I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I need to remember that God is with me when I am feeling this pain, He has not abandon me. I am no longer going to numb it out, run away or deny it.  My healing can only begin once I can acknowledge the pain and let God work His restoring miracle in my life.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

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The past 24 hours

I tried to stay busy with my Saturday morning chores to push out the negative thoughts that beat at my mind so hard it is like a loud bonging that distracts my concentration on anything good.

Finally after struggling I just broke down and cried to my Lord God and said: “This ache that I am experiencing hurts so bad, but I got to believe that once I get on the other side of this, Your glory Lord, will out shine any agony that I am suffering now.”

Then I got an email from a very special friend of mine, reminding me that just because I declare that I am a Christian I am not shouting that I am perfect, living a clean life, bold and full of confidence.
I am whispering that:
I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
I am weak and need His strength.
I am confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
And that I am a simple sinner who received God’s good grace.

Those words were a life line thrown to me in the mist of my storm of despair. Again I found myself at the cross, confessing my heart; “Why am I so unhappy Lord? What is this all about, why am I going through this struggle within me?”

God then reminded me of my passion, my heart desires. My vision has gotten cloudy because I have let the enemy tell me that I am inadequate, and it is true, I am inadequate but I have forgotten a few things:
Who created me with a purpose before I was even born, God.
Who said that He would lift me up on eagle’s wings, God.
Who said He would never leave me or forsake me, God.
Who said that He would be my strength in my times of my struggles, God.

I have made my thoughts stop running – to take a moment and look back on the people that have crossed my path the past 24 hours. Some of them have encouraged me and also some have confronted me. The enemy would love for me to run and hide because of shame and embarrassment. Or, to have me brush off the encouraging words as empty words spoken to just flatter me with no real meaning.

But as I stop and really reflect- God is placing these people in my path, it is not by coincidences. I have received true appreciation from several women yesterday, thanking me for my honesty in my writings that they have read on my website or in my book. Another woman told me that my prayer said on her behalf has encouraged her. And last, I was told by another person: “God has a hold of you!” He said it to me as a definite statement not to be mistaken.  God has a hold of me!

And to top all it off this morning God directed me to this verse:
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear Friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

Can you believe this! I cried out this morning almost these exact words!

I am amazed of His love for me! I feel as if God is saying to me, Yes my daughter you have made some mistakes but keep your eyes on me, little one, and I will lead you to the place I want you.

I have said many times before to look for the diamonds in your day, that our heavenly Father is giving us little ones and big ones to encourage us. I have forgotten to look for mine but it is true, HE is handing these diamonds down to me from heaven, I just need to take them. God is so good, and His love is indescribable.

So today, I want to remind you as God has reminded me, look for the diamonds in your day! Write them down. And once you start to write them all down you will see that that God has not forsaken us, He is standing right there next you and me.

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